What you gone do when the poliece state vegin

Does somebody -- anybody -- want to tell me what the fuck is going on with the Dark Continent?

What's that? Oh, right, if you only watch the nightly news, you have no idea what I'm talking about. Since the death of Peter Jennings, national news has undergone a decidedly internal shift, most news dealing with the U.S., occasionally the other two North American countries, and maybe something about Western Europe (like, if the Pope said something or there was an election in Britain, the only country in the world wherein fewer people show up to vote than here. Man, like father like son, huh?). But how often do you even hear anything about Africa? Oh sure, the media have been going with this Darfur story like it's the end-all be-all, mostly because if you show a dead baby on TV, people get pissed off.

What I can't understand is why we can't show that same kind of outrage when liberties are curtailed. I mean, think about this: even with the historic abuses of power by the Bush Administration (and by historic I mean that they relate to the grand history of American Presidents abusing power, from Abraham Lincoln to Franklin Delano Roosevelt -- the only difference being that Bush is also terrible at making and implementing policy), we've only lost slight amounts of our liberty, really. Okay, sure, Karl Rove has masterminded discriminatory amendment crusades for state constitutions, and that's disgusting. But imagine if you were told that only your parents could sanction a marriage.

That's what's going on in Somalia right now. This in addition to banning women from swimming at pools, live music, sports, films, and pretty much anything else that resembles a free society.

Gee, does that sound familiar?

It should. That's exactly the kind of platform that the Christian Right wants to impose on the United States government. Remember, we have people in this country who believe that J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series ought to be burned, along with Fahrenheit 451, Lolita, and Animal Farm; that certain bands ought not to be allowed to perform because rock music is Satan's music; that movies from The Little Mermaid to Death of a President ought never to be shown... Thank the gods they haven't succeeded. But this just further reinforces my point about conservatism: in its most heightened form, it denies progress, no matter if we're talking about a repressive Muslim society or repressive Christian society.

But make no mistake, we've got it pretty good in the States right now. Sure, things could be better -- a lot better -- but at least we can marry whomever we want (y'know, provided, in most states, that we're straight).

Oh, and then there's Ethiopia. In that ridiculous country, apparently it's all the rage now to kill people who protest election fraud. Gee, Kent State enough for you? Or there are those wacky Nigerians, who are actually marching to expel Arabs from their country in a move reminicent of the KKK calling for a "return to Africa" for African-Americans -- only this time, it's sowing the seeds of the next World War, which will, inevitably, be over water.

You've heard of the hanging chad? Well what about the country Chad, which has its own civil war on its hands? The Central African Republic (formerly part of Congo, among other things) has invaded, backed by the Sudanese, those geniuses who brought us "Darfur!"

Hate illegal immigrants? Well then you should move to Mozambique! They put their illegals from Zimbabwe to work in their gold mines, where they have an all-expense-paid trip to Mudslideville. But hey, if it weren't for these illegals-turned-slaves, what would I do to get my bling?

Want to continue spreading around false information about sex? Take a trip to the afore-mentioned Zimbabwe, where little girls are getting raped on a daily basis because healers there have told the population, "Having sex with virgins cures AIDS." So now we've got stories about girls as young as two (and probably younger than that) being forced to have sex with their fathers and uncles; of girls as young as fourteen being thrown out of the house because they told their parents that another relative had sex with them; of teenage girls getting HIV because the men of Zimbabwe are too fucking stupid to realize that myth is no substitute for science.

Take that, Christian Right! Seriously, this is exactly why you can't trust what religions, from native African religions to Christianity itself, tell you about science! Religion does not supercede science; it flows through it. Look, I don't exactly believe in the personal God or any shit like that, but I understand those who do, and I certainly think they have the right to believe what they like. Yet it really pisses me off when they disseminate information that is factually wrong; they'd tell you everything from the fact that the world is waaaaay older than they're willing to admit to the existence of gravity is a lie.

And that, in extreme cases, leads to people believing that raping their two-year-old daughters is a way to cure AIDS.

Wake up, people! We need to do something about Africa soon, because that fighting's not going to stay on the Dark Continent forever. We need to go into Africa and start educating people -- now, before it's too late -- because if we don't there's not going to be one single solitary goddamned African left.

Polly says her back hurts

So there's this new post that's floating around the internet under the insanely misleading title "Love vs. Sex." I saw it on my college buddy Luis' notes section, so I thought I'd check it out.

It wasn't what I thought.

Instead of actually talking about the difference between love and sex (and I do understand that there is, or can be, a difference) the whole damned thing was about the love and mercy of God, about how some girl was about to get raped, but she said a prayer and wasn't.

Look, I'm not hostile towards religion, but read this part of the story, and y'all tell me if you see the problem:

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.

That's right; the rapist still raped! So this girl was protected by a couple of angels or the Holy Spirit or some shit like that, but another girl wasn't.

Here's my problem: how do we know the other girl, the one who actually was raped, didn't also say a prayer?

See, this is exactly my problem with these internet pseudosermons. Inevitably, they're shallow and narrow-minded because a quick thought about them shoots their theories full of holes. I'm sorry, but I find it very hard to believe that a guy didn't rape a girl because she said a prayer.

Debate me on that all you want, go right ahead. But for every person you're gonna tell me was saved by prayer, I'll point to a million Africans, some of the most devoutly religious -- nay, devoutly Christian -- people in the world, who have AIDS. Tell me about how faith in Jesus Christ will save your soul, and I'll point to everyone from Pope Alexander VI to Bernard Cardinal Law, from John Calvin to Tony Perkins, who had a funny way of showing how one's soul could/should be saved.

I'm sick to death of religion, quite frankly. This is not hostility; this is annoyance. Sure, I believe that they're something out there, but mainly in a Franklinesque deist sense -- the clockmaker who set it in motion, then sat back in his rocking chair. Look, the Big Bang had to come from somewhere, right? But this idea that God's meddling in our affairs, while comforting, is just plain ridiculous. Frankly, with all the randomness and chance in, not to mention sheer size of, the universe, I find it very hard to believe that any deity would give a rat's ass that a girl had been raped.

And I'm not saying that it's not a big deal. But what is so scary about having to fend for ourselves? The Creator, whatever he/she/it/they is/are or was/were, gave life to everything around us, from the stars in the sky to the sand on the shore. Do we really need a bunch of people who think they're above us and a really old book to tell us how exactly we should live our lives?

I'm not just talking about Christianity here, either. If people weren't so desperate to believe in something -- anything --, we wouldn't have Sunnis and Shi'ites beating the crap out of each other over relatively insignificant differences in worship structure. If people weren't so fervent about how they know exactly what God's plan is, we wouldn't have all this shit about gay marriage in this country (who the fuck cares???). If people would let other people simply believe what they want to believe, rather than using their religions to further their own personal bigotry and underlying (or not-so-underlying) hatred of those unlike them, we wouldn't have a supposed medical doctor like Bill Frist claiming one can get AIDS from sweat, pretty much doing so solely to shore up a base of Evangelical conservatives who want nothing less than to string up all gays by their toenails and manicure them to death.

Karl Marx called religion "the opiate of the masses." He was right, although not in the way he originally intended, I don't think. It's not that it lulls us into a grand sense of sleepy satisfaction; it's that it's actually a destructive force. Smoke too much religion, inject too much on a daily basis, and you begin to depend on it.

I've caught myself doing it. I'll still sometimes say, "Oh God, don't let this be happening." Guess what? That doesn't stop it if it's meant to happen. Less than a week ago, I had a very, very bad night, and I remember just wailing, "Oh God, no!" But God never answered.

The religious person's response to this is that "the Lord works in mysterious ways" and that we have no right to question what God believes is right. Bullshit! We have every right! Even in the Gospels, Jesus questioned his father. MANY times. In the Garden of Gethsemene, he thrice asked his father not to make him go through with his impending death; but he let it happen anyways. Then, upon the cross, he said, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" This is a direct quote from a Davidian Psalm, one of anguish, but its meaning is completely clear: God, where the fuck ARE you? That's what the psalm is about, and that's what Jesus is saying here.

So to say that we're not allowed to question God's judgment when Jesus himself did is just plain crap. It's also crap to believe that God wants us to sit around waiting for him to show us the way. Look, if God wants anything, it's for us to at least attempt to be self-sufficient. If you're afraid you're going to be raped, here's an idea: carry around a taser or pepper spray; or just, y'know, don't walk alone through a dark alley, especially if you're a woman.

I'm not saying God doesn't come to the rescue; maybe he does. But I certainly don't believe that. And with all the shit that's being done in the name of God, from Middle Easterners beating the crap out of each other to George W. Bush taking the oath of office for the Presidency of the United States, can't we at least entertain the notion that maybe, possibly God isn't predestining everything, and that sometimes, there's no plan, that life just absolutely fucking sucks?

Listenin' too long to one song

The Republican Party has been singing the same tune for so long that if I have to hear one more goddamned thing about gay marriage or the word "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance I'm going to literally vomit my large intestine onto whatever type of floor happens to be in front of me at that given time. To all true Republicans out there, look, it's time for a change, and the only way to do that right now is to get your party out of the Congress.

Once upon a time, there were such things as Liberal Republicans. As a matter of fact, I like those Liberal Republicans -- guys like Nelson Rockefeller, Henry Cabot Lodge... hell, even Jim Jeffords and (my guy) Lincoln Chafee. But let's think about this. While Rockefeller and HCL were in power, the Republican Party wasn't dominated by fundementalist Christians who were so overt about their ridiculous sense of religion (a religion, mind you, that's based on a flawed reading of Jewish scripture -- a subject I'll deal with momentarily) that they actively advocated stripping liberties from the public.

But now, the cult of Evangelical Christianity that has overtaken the GOP (and yes, Evangelical Christianity is a cult; it's just that it's so popular that it seems to be a real branch of Christianity) has destroyed everything for which these people once so nobly stood. And their fire has been foddered by bastards like Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter, who obviously don't believe a fucking word of what they're saying but somehow manage to tap the angry chord with a great number of idiots in this country who for some reason think that people who are gay or Hispanic or homeless or drug-addled are less worthy of support than they are, strictly because they're spoiled-ass white fucks who live in the suburbs, or because they're middle-class, middle-incomers who think that every dead Muslim is a good dead Muslim, 'cause God forbid that another religion become more prevalent in our grand Christian society than a religion based upon a reading of the Book of Isaac that clearly states Jesua, or Jesus, was supposed to be "of the root of Jesse," meaning that David, who, according to Christian teaching, was not Jesus' biological father, but rather adopted the conceived Son of God, had to be Jesus' father for Jesus to be the Messiah. *Breath* Follow that? Good. Moving on...

Being "conservative" or "liberal" is such a hacked-up misnomer anyways. Am I a liberal because I support the right to access an abortion? Am I a liberal because I believe men and women should be paid the same amount for doing the same job, so long as the results are equal? Am I a liberal because I believe that two people, no matter their gender, deserve equal treatment in the eyes of the law in regards to marriage? Am I a liberal because I believe universal health care is essential to this country's long-term survival? Am I a liberal because I believe that the death penalty is, in every single case, wrong?

Let's flip that for a moment. Am I a conservative because I believe that sales, not income, tax is the best way to tax the rich while taking the burden off the poor? Am I a conservative because I believe that pre-emptive war is not always the wrong option (although it was DEFINITELY the wrong option the last few times we've done it)? Am I a conservative because I believe in fiscal restraint?

Hell, I'm probably more conservative than most conservatives in the Congress right now are! I stridently believe that, except in the most egregious cases of the Founding Fathers having overlooked something, the Constitution should remain untouched; any Republican (or Democrat, for that matter) who tells you that they support the Anti-Gay Marriage Amendment is a liberal. I believe that all spending in Washington -- ALL spending -- should be curtailed, including President Bush's tax cuts from a couple years ago; anyone who tells you that slashing taxes in the middle of a war is a good idea is no conservative. And I believe that, until we repeal the Second Amendment (which I'm not advocating), the right to gun ownership, at least of hunting equipment and protective and preventive tools, is absolute (although y'all cross a line with the AK-47s and such).

The point is, I have "extreme" positions on both ends. I don't always agree with the Democrats, and I certainly don't always agree with the Republicans. But the Republican Party is the one that has led us down this path to utter humiliation and what will ultimately be the defeat of our country by these terrorist fucks unless we do something to change it. More than anything, the Republican Party needs a message sent to it: get rid of the Evangelicals and start paying attention to issues that actually matter. Enough with gay marriage! Enough with abortion! Those have been settled, and if not, they will be very soon. How about focusing on the fact that YOUR party, the party of people who supposedly believe that keeping money is a good thing, has spent more on the military since Ronald Reagan was elected president in 1979 than all the other countries of the world combined, even though for almost all of that time there was no imminent military threat, and the ones there were, we didn't pay attention to anyways?

Republicans, stand up to your representatives. Tell them to get the fuck out of the Capitol and start doing what they deserve to be doing: if not serving time behind bars, then flipping burgers at the local Jack in the Box.

Back to life, back to reality

Okay, Mr. President, you win.

No, seriously this time. You've finally convinced me that the War in Iraq has been good for our country.

Let's look at all it has done. First, you've managed to keep us safe from terrorism. Now, never mind that this terrorist threat never actually existed, but you and your Republican Party have kept us safe from terrorists and Democrats.

Okay, sorry, this is way too hard to do with a straight face. I'd try again, but it just doesn't seem worth it, so let's talk about something real.

That's right, I said there was no imminent terrorist threat to this country, neither after 9/11 nor now. How could I possibly say such a thing? Well, tell me, how much did you ever freak out about terrorism before 9/11? That's what I thought. Why didn't the idea even enter your mind? Oh, you thought we were safe, too? Did you, like me, not even think about the fact that people in Asia, Africa, Europe and South America deal with the threat of terrorism every day?

See, we were comfortably secluded from terrorism for quite a long time, and only once -- only once -- did having our guard down come back to bite us in the asses. Now, I'm not advocating keeping our guard down or anything like that, nor am I trying to diminish the horrific disaster of 9/11. What I am saying, however, is that the threat is no greater in a post-9/11 world than it was in a pre-9/11 world.

Think about it. Hindus and Muslims in India and Pakistan have been duking it out since before Pakistan even existed. No one seems able to get along in the Middle East, and when there are political disagreements there, the least they have to worry about is getting cursed out on the Senate floor by the Vice-President. Oh, sorry, are those countries too far out for you? Then let's bring it west, to Belfast, Northern Ireland. There's a beautiful hotel there at which I stayed one summer while touring the island. Exactly one year -- to the day -- since I'd stayed there in 1996, the hotel was bombed by some nutty IRA radicals. Now don't get me wrong; I'm for Irish home-rule of the entire island. But bombings? Jeezus, that's crazy. But what's crazier is that it had happened at a place where I'd been.

So forgive me for being so amazed that terrorism has happened so seldom in this country: in my lifetime, the only three terrorist events I can remember happening to non-military targets in this country are the bombing of the Oklahoma City Federal Building and the two bombings of the World Trade Centers. And that's in the span of ten years (and no, I don't count the bombing at the Olympics in Atlanta, as that was more than likely just some bullshit prank that went horribly, horribly wrong; don't think al-Qaeda was in on that one).

But what really gets me is this idea that we're somehow safer because we're fighting terrorists abroad. We are not safer. We were not safe in 1993. We were not safe in 1995. We were not safe in 2001. We are not safe now. No country is ever safe from terrorism -- that's why they call it terrorism! Saying, "We're going to keep this country safe from terrorism" is akin to saying, "I don't plan on being in an accident." No one plans for this! Terrorists are pretty crafty, and they've got a lot going for them, mainly because they have idealism (however warped it might be), which often goes a lot further than strength of numbers and equipment -- which, of course, explains how the "last throes" of the insurgency in Iraq is keeping neck-and-neck with our obviously superior forces, driving them down. See, our boys and girls overseas are getting tired, and who can blame them? But insurgents, terrorists, whatever you want to call them, they don't have the luxury of getting tired. While our boys and girls are taking well-earned breaks from the horrors of what they're doing to play video games and talk with family back home, the terrorists are coming up with strategies to take them down, assembling more IEDs, recruiting more people to take up their cause.

So explain to me then, Mr. President, what in the hell you meant when you said the following: "Attacks and casualties have also increased recently because our forces are confronting the enemy in Baghdad and in other parts of Iraq." What?!?!? If we were winning -- and I mean truly winning against these Iraqi motherfuckers -- they would be standing down. If the Iraqi army were actually stepping up, attacks on our boys and girls would be at a minimum, as the Iraqi force would be standing tall.

The point is that Iraq has become Vietnam II. This is not a war of idealism; it's a politician's war. Instead of listening to military personnell, as the President has claimed he does, I am fairly certain that President Bush has been listening to Sec. Rumsfeld, who is probably the least-qualified man in a room containing Mr. Bush, twenty-odd military officers, and little Doggie Bush, to talk about military strategy. Everything that has been done in this war since the initial overthrow of Saddam Hussein has been a debacle. The mission in Iraq was to liberate the people of that country and eliminate a specific threat to the United States. That was accomplished in 2003. Since then, nothing -- nothing -- has been done correctly by the politicians making the military decisions. And thus, the mission that our citizens have been told by the government has changed. If there were no war going on right now, do you really think we'd even be talking about President Bush? I doubt it; hell, we probably wouldn't even be talking about President Kerry, as the President right now would likely be Howard Dean (jeezus, that's a scary thought).

Anyone who thinks things are going well in Iraq is, at this point, retarded. Saying things are going poorly in Iraq is not an opinion; it is the truth. 1.5 million people have been displaced, according to a U.N. estimate. Another 1.5 million have left the country altogether. Hospitals have lost up to 80% of their staffs. More than 6,000 Iraqis died between 1 July and 1 September of this year. 3,000 coalition troops, including more than 2,700 Americans, have died -- and that doesn't count the casualty rate, which the military refuses to disclose, apparently because it would bring aid and comfort to the enemy, but certainly not because it could turn Americans against the war. One thing we do know about the casulaty rate: 776 American soldiers were wounded last month. We do not have the enemy on the run; they're not winning, either, but they're coming close.

This is not an unpatriotic rant, to all my neoconservative readers out there. I am certainly not saying that I don't support the troops. But the idea that our troops are doing any good over there anymore is ludicrous. Armed Force Troops are trained to win battles, to win wars. That's already been done. Our troops are not, however, police officers -- well, most of them, anyways. In honesty, if we sent over 50,000 cops from the LA, New York, and Chicago Police Departments, they'd have a better shot at stopping this insurgency than the soldiers do. It's time to face reality: we won the War in Iraq, but we lost Iraq itself. It's okay. When it comes time, we'll help them stand on their feet, and when they stand up only to stab us in the back, we'll be sure to kick them in the nuts until they bleed.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to

Rhode Islanders, your time has come.

The best damned mini-state in the Union is being beseiged by Democratic forces. Brendan, I can hear y'all saying right now, you're a Democrat! That may well be; however, I like to think of myself as an independent-minded voter whilst being a registered Democrat. And trust me, it has been a lot easier to be a Democrat over the last six years than a Republican. But Brendan, you're thinking to yourselves, the Republicans have essentially been in control of the entire country for the last six years. How has it been easier to be a Democrat than a Republican? Well, my schizophrenia-induced conversation buddy, that's because Republicans to this point have shown they have no souls. They've been the hard-line, straight-faced party for redneck Christians who don't know any better; while Democrats have been on the losing end, they've been on the losing end because they've been smarter, not dumber. And a party can only appeal to dumb voters for so long. Just ask the Democrats.

The Republican Party, however, used to be the one of supreme intelligence, absolutely trumping the Democrats. Sure, when you think Democrat, you think FDR, probably the most academically snobby president in our history; but throw out names like Barry Goldwater and Ike Eisenhower, and I'll tell you any day that these were two of the smartest people to ever lead our great nation. And I'll add another name to that list, too, a senator I think is far and away a better one than Sen. Goldwater was: Lincoln Chafee. Sen. Chafee is a progressive-minded but fiscially conservative Republican. He's pro-choice, supports stem-cell research, and cast a throw-away vote for George H.W. Bush in the last election -- not the guy I'd pick, to be sure, but let's face it: Chafee is a real Republican, not like this piece of shit we have in the White House right now.

But see, here's the thing that puts him over the top: when Max Baucus, Evan Bayh, Joe Biden, John Breaux, Conrad Burns, Maria Cantwell, Jean Carnahan, Tom Carper, Max Cleland, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Tom Daschle, Chris Dodd, Byron Dorgan, John Edwards, Dianne Feinstein, Tom Harkin, Ernest Hollings, Tim Johnson, John Kerry, Herb Kohl, Mary Landrieu, Joe Lieberman, Blanche Lincoln, Mark Miller, Ben Nelson, Bill Nelson, Harry Reid, Jay Rockefeller, Chuck Schumer and Robert Torricelli, all Democrats, voted for the War in Iraq, what did Chafee do? He broke with his own party, as well as with most Democrats in the Senate, to say, Pardon me, Mr. President, but exactly what the fuck do you think you're doing? That's why we need Chafee in the Senate: to be the voice of reason in his craptastical party.

Don't get me wrong: I'm gunning for the Democrats to win back both chambers of Congress. I think it's absolutely deplorable what Republicans have done to this country. But that's not the fault of Lincoln Chafee. In fact, he's done just about everything right, and while I don't agree that former President Bush deserves another term, I champion the fact that Chafee voted for a guy who's at least a real Republican rather than a lame sack of shit who looks more and more confused with each passing day.

Look, Democrats of Rhode Island, you never know what you're getting in Sheldon Whitehouse. Keep in mind, most of the Democratic Party voted to allow this stupid fucking war in the Middle East. In Chafee, you know you're getting a guy who's going to vote with you most of the time. In reality, what we want is someone who's going to be a leader, and Chafee has proven time and time again that he's one of the only real leaders in the Republican Party; it'd be a shame if someone we can actually debate were to lose out because of his party.

And Senator Chafee, were you to run for president, there are only two, maybe three Democrats I'd vote for over you. And since the Democrats are probably too stupid to nominate any of them and will likely instead go for Hillary "Little Miss Populist" Clinton over someone more interesting and exciting like Russ Feingold, Barbara Boxer, or Wesley Clark, I'd hope to see your name on that ballot. It makes me sad that your party is probably going to go with Bill Frist.

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine

Trey Parker and Matt Stone are back.

For the better part of the last decade, Parker and Stone, the nutjobs behind the ever-popular Comedy Central animated series South Park, have been churning out intelligent and toilet-humored programming that has at times been nothing short of genius. We can go back to the very first episode, "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe," which has one of the funniest lines in history. Ike Broflovski, baby brother to main character Kyle, has been abducted by aliens. Suddenly, Kyle sees his brother standing on the balcony of a hovering spaceship. To get his brother to come down, Kyle calls out, "Ike! Do your impression of David Caruso's career!", to which Ike responds, "It's my turn!" and falls head-first out of the spacecraft.

It's a genius moment, and it proved to me, upon my first viewing of the program back in 1996, that this show was going to be great.

And it didn't let up! The third episode had the wonderful creature Scuzzlebutt, who had TV's Patrick Duffy for a leg (Kyle: That isn't scary, fat-ass! Cartman: Yes it is! Haven't you ever seen Step by Step?). "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boatride" featured a guest appearance by George Clooney ... as Stan Marsh's gay dog Sparky. "Starvin' Marvin" had one of the most insightful viewpoints on the waste we have in our comfy little Western world (Cartman: [Appetizers are] what you eat before you eat. To make you more hungry!).

When left to a cliffhanger about whom Eric Cartman's father was, Trey and Matt pulled a fast one on the audience with one of the funniest April Fool's jokes in history (Announcer: "The conclusion to 'Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut' ... will be seen tonight!"), instead crafting the hilarious melodrama, "Terrance and Philip in Not Without My Anus"). And Season 2 just got better and better, culminating in the hilarious song sung by underwear-stealing gnomes ("Time to go to work! We work all night! Search for underpants, hey! We won't stop 'til we have underpants! Yum-tum yummy-tum hey!").

By Season 4, it was almost as if Parker and Stone could do no wrong. From the touching, heartwarming, and ultimately hilarious Thanksgiving-themed episode "Helen Keller! The Musical" (the title of which is a play on Parker's own student film Cannibal! The Musical), which used retarded character Timmy to excellent and utterly genius effect, to the unbelievable two-part arc, "Do the Handicapped Go to Hell?" and "Probably," which featured the unconscionable love triangle amongst Saddam Hussein, Satan, and Satan's new boyfriend Chris, South Park was doing more for animated comedy than anything since The Simpsons (even if Futurama still had more heart). But it was Season 5 that put South Park over almost any show in the history of television.

Season 5 opened on such a high note, it is impossible to think that anyone could have come up with such an absolutely brilliant story. The episode "Scott Tenorman Must Die" is, quite frankly, one of the funniest half-hours of television in the medium's history (if you have not seen it, I won't ruin it for you -- just go out, rent the DVD, or better yet, buy Season 5, 'cause it's well worth it). Following that was the episode that Comedy Central should have been pulled for, "It Hits the Fan," a startlingly intelligent look into cursing on television. The similarly satisfying "Cartmanland" came a few weeks later; after that, however, the gloves came off.

The random introduction of a new, horrible character named Towelie was the basis for an episode of the same name; the episode featured some of Parker's and Stone's best voice-over work ever. The tragic events of 9/11 interrupted the schedule, but upon South Park's return, Parker crafted the best commentary on the events that anyone on television did -- one that was also more insightful than even the feature-length films of earlier this year. "Osama bin Laden Has Farty Pants" is modeled on the old Daffy Duck and Donald Duck propaganda cartoons from World War II, and its irreverence works only to its benefit. Finally, after a long while of being killed in every episode, Parker finally did away with fourth member Kenny McCormick, killing him in an episode worthy of a Lifetime made-for-TV flick, "Kenny Dies."

Season 6 was not a disappointment, even after all of this, but what sent South Park into the stratosphere was a string of episodes that ended the season. It began with "A Ladder to Heaven," which poked fun at all the idiocy surrounding 9/11 coverage and the news media in general, not to mention that stupid Alan Jackson ("Where were you when the built the ladder to heaven? Did it make you feel like cryin', or did you think it was kinda gay? Well I for one believe in the ladder to heaven... oooh... 9/11..."). Important to the plot points, of course, was that Cartman drank Kenny's ashes, believing them to be chocolate milk, and thus was infused with Kenny's soul. This, combined with one of the greatest mathematical equations of all time ("Sea People + Semen = SeaCiety").

Two weeks later, the introduction of Mr. Garrison's boyfriend Mr. Slave allowed Parker and Stone to parody both The Great Escape and The Hobbit (a week after having parodied The Lord of the Rings trilogy), the latter in the form of a gerbil inserted by Mr. Garrison in Mr. Slave's ass. Then came one of my personal favorite episodes ever: "The Biggest Douche in the Universe," a reference to two gentlemen featured prominently in the episode, TV psychic John Edward and "actor" Rob Schneider (trailers shown in the movie include the genius line, "Rob Schneider's been a hot chick; he's been a gigolo. And now, Rob Schnider is A Carrot! ...in a 24-karat comedy!"). Following this was the absolutely genius "My Future Self 'n' Me," featuring yet another great song and some great parodies of those stupid fucking commercials that claimed smoking marijuana supported terrorists.

The Seventh Season continued to build on the genius of the Sixth. "I'm a Little Bit Country" managed to make fun of protestors and rednecks alike, while "Krazy Kripples" poked fun at the Cosby Kids and Walker, Texas Ranger-style approaches to gang violence (not to mention stem-cell researchers and Christopher "Butthole" Reeve). "Cancelled" took aim at both reality TV shows and "jumping the shark," revisiting "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe" but casting that plot in a completely different light. "Fat Butt and Pancake Head" might have been the best episode of the season, with Cartman's hand doubling as "Miss Jennifer" (pronounced "Hennifer") "Lopez." And the wonderful "Christian Rock Hard" and "All About Mormons?" helped Trey and Matt take their shots at religious idiocy and bigotry simultaneously.

But by the end of Season Seven, the show seemed to be running out of steam. "Christmas in Canada," in which "the Americans caught Saddam," was a parody of The Wizard of Oz; yet it wasn't all that funny. "Casa Bonita" had Cartman going through some bizarre circumstances to finally get his way; but the results were not nearly as thrilling, nor did they provide the same payoff, as "Scott Tenorman Must Die."

This sense continued into the Season Eight. "The Passion of the Jew" and "Douche and Turd" provided some well-timed political satire (especially the former, which criticized The Passion of the Christ simply because it was a crappy movie, which it most certainly was), and "Woodland Critter Christmas" closed out the season impeccably, with a tone-poem narrated by Trey Parker and written by Eric Cartman providing the backdrop for one of the funniest South Park Christmas stories yet; but the immigration-themed "Goobacks" was not funny at all. Neither was the almost offensively unfunny, "Mr. Jefferson," which should have been great, considering it was about Michael Jackson. And "Good Times with Weapons" retreated into horrifyingly stupid animation tricks rather than intelligent fart jokes, the only real humor coming from a great cut between the anime-style animation and the typical cut-out style when allied friend Leopold "Butters" Stotch gets hit in the eye with a ninja star.

Season Nine was even worse. "The Death of Eric Cartman" and "Marjorine" had some great character-based moments, and both "Free Wilzyx" and "Trapped in the Closet" were funny in and of themselves. But honestly, only "Follow That Egg!" had any semblance of bona fide humor from start to finish (and yes, that includes the ever-popular "Trapped in the Closet," the single most overrated episode of the series), not to mention the same sort of insightful political commentary that seemed to pervade earlier episodes.

Then came Season Ten, which started off quite nonchalantly. The only thing that was really funny about "The Return of Chef" was that there was a point in which the show parodied itself, running a scene reminicent of "Trapped in the Closet" (completely intentionally trying to show-up devoted Scientologist and former Parker & Stone buddy Isaac Hayes, formerly the voice of Chef). Other than that, the only other funny episode was called "Tsst," in which the Dog Whisperer tried to tame Eric Cartman; it was great up until the end, where once again, it seemed as if Parker and Stone had run out of gas. But I still want the half-hour I spent watching the horrifically bad "Manbearpig" episode, which took needless aim at Al Gore, back; it was, without a doubt, the worst episode the series has ever had, as I did not laugh once throughout. The second-half Season Ten premier a week and a half ago once again retreated into the "Good Times with Weapons" motif of trying something new with their now-stale animation, this time with World of Warcraft. But the results were, again, less humorous than one might think, save only a throwback to Kenny dying each week. I was ready to give up on my once-beloved show.

That was before this week. Finally, Trey Parker seems to be emerging from this doldrum of writing he's been in for the last few seasons. With "Mystery of the Urinal Deuce," Parker did quite a few things right. First, he went back to the relationship that always makes the show work, that between Stan and Kyle (which is why "Follow That Egg!" worked so well). Second, he used some actual information in this one, using the conspiracy theory of who "actually" bombed the World Trade Towers as espoused by many nutjobs with nothing else to do. But most tellingly, Parker had some excellent one-liners, always the centerpiece of the show. For example, when a person for 9-11truth.org tries to tell the boys that there are "many holes" in the government's 9/11 story, Kyle says, "There are a lot of holes in the theory of evolution, too; that doesn't mean it's wrong!" When George W. Bush informs the boys that the government really was behind 9/11, Kyle can only say (and repeat, with a look of absolute incredulity), "Really?" The episode was a throwback to the great South Park days of old, when political commentary, scatological jokes, and genius one-liners combined to craft one of the most endearing shows of all time. I hope they don't fuck it up this time.