In the midnight moonlight hour

There's been a big hullabaloo lately regarding NFL players in trouble with the law. Lots of analysts are trying to figure out the whys and wherefores about all this, but they're missing the major point, and it has to do with why I'm still pissed at Jerry Krause for trading away Elton Brand a number of years ago.

"It's a cliché, but there's nothing but trouble in the morning," Brand explained to Sports Illustrated's Jeff Benedict. "You have to know your surroundings. There are places that you know will be no problem, a nice restaurant or nice upscale lounge. There are other places that you know have a track record. You know that you don't need to go there."

You see this? This is why Brand was Krause's crowning achievement, the best draft pick he'd ever made. And this is why Krause had to resign from the Bulls and be trotted out elsewhere: he screwed it all up by trading away such a good player who also happens to be one of the smartest men in all pro sports.

But getting back to the point at hand, Brand says something really interesting above: "There are places that you know will be no problem, a nice restaurant or nice upscale lounge." Think about this hard, folks: if you were raking in several million dollars per year, wouldn't you want to spend it right? There is nothing wrong with having money; what's wrong is that these players don't seem to know how to use it.

Look, Pacman Jones, you make almost $3 million a year. That's a lot of money. That makes you rich. You are a rich man. You are in the upper crust. So why, oh why, do you insist on still acting like you're street? Dude, you have enough money to get yourself a sweet house, a nice summer condo, and a couple of your own restaurants. Why in the bloody hell would you go to dive bars, do crappy, cheap drugs, etc., etc., so on and so forth?

Professional athletes need to learn one fact about themselves: once they sign that contract with an NFL team, they elevate themselves into the stratosphere. There is no reason to act liek the poor little kid that grew up in the crappy part of town anymore. Did you dumb-asses ever see Walter Payton act like that? Earl Campbell? Anthony Muñoz? I don't THINK so. You know why? They realized they've become upper-crust fellas, and they conducted themselves accordingly.

Look, acting like you've got some money doesn't mean you have a drastic change in your demeanor. You shouldn't; you should always be yourself. But if you're telling me that hitting up a dive bar is better than getting a stiff drink in a nice joint, you're fucking crazy. If you're telling me that a glass full of watered-down Coors Light is tastier than Johnnie Walker Blue Label, you're a friggin' retard.

Act like yourselves, dudes, but act like guys that your mothers can be proud of. You've made it. Now deal with the responsibility.

And seriously, while I have no qualms about y'all smokin' dope, do you really, really need to do it whilst driving drunk and attempting to hire a prostitute?